Multilevel Healing: Testimonial of Vanessa – 4th March, 2001
Vanessa's Story
In a few words, I am to describe an experience that I am still trying to get my head around in any fashion. The task is an impossible one, but as the importance of an attempt is clear to me, I'll give it my best shot!
My partner and I recently broke up, and I was describing to Phil my feelings of 'aloneness'. He asked me to go into that feeling. It was horrible! With tears streaming down my face, he then asked me what was behind my feelings. Within a few minutes I saw myself as a 12 year old on the evening I discovered that dad had left us. I saw myself reading the letter he left me, and felt the same aloneness and dread that I was experiencing with my relationship breakdown.
Phil asked me what was behind that. Layer by layer I went into a number of negative and very painful feelings until I found a ball that I was very frightened to approach. It seemed to be a darkness inside me. When Phil asked me to go into that as well I found it was mostly fear and self-disgust. I thought I was not good. I cried quite a lot at that point.
Phil asked me to go beyond that and I saw a number of scenes in my early childhood, and even as a baby until finally I came to a space. It was dark and full of stars, like a night sky. I was apprehensive at first, as I had no idea where I was, and it was vast and uncertain. Then a light came towards me and surrounded me and filled me up. It was me, but so beautiful and wise and joyful that I hardly could believe it truly was me. I felt huge and powerful and I was filled with understanding, compassion, and purpose. I understood that one of the lessons I had to learn here was to be alone.
Phil then asked me to return to each of the situations I had recalled on my way down into my feelings, as well as review my relationships to this date. Filled with my soul, I viewed each situation as an opportunity to achieve what I was here for in this life, so everything became positive. My parents seemed like children when I viewed them, and I saw the situations more realistically. Also, the reasons I had chosen each of my partners seemed very clear.
Phil asked me to see myself talking with the great minds and leaders of the world. I immediately saw a forest scene, and we were beneath the canopies in a circle. There was a bright white light coming from our foreheads and meeting in the middle. There was also light in a circle connecting us at the hands. I felt full of understanding and very wise. No message was given to me however.
Lastly, Phil asked me to look at the place where the ball I was so afraid of was, and tell me if I felt forgiveness. I looked and felt sadness and love. I felt grief over the fact that I had spent my whole life to date avoiding and hating so much of myself, and after all this time, I have discovered that there was nothing wrong with it! I saw a pale blue light everywhere. Phil said that was the colour of healing.
I remember a brief moment of fear near the end of the meditation, as I didn't want to lose the feeling I had when I was filled with my soul. The feeling did fade, but I now know where to look and what I have to do in order for it to stay in my everyday life. In some ways I feel more pain now than I felt before the session, but that is because a doorway has been opened, so I am aware of my feelings and stay with them a lot more when I feel them. I feel like I am healing – not just from my relationship, but also from my life.